TATIANA
Puskai pogibnu ya, no pryezhde -- Let me perish, but first
Ya v oslepitelnoi nadyezhde --let me summon, in dazzling hope,
Blazhenstvo tyomnoye zovu, --bliss as yet unknown.
Ya nyegu zhizni uznayu! -- that I shall know all life’s joys!
Ya pyu volshebni yad zhelani! --I drink the magic poison of desire,
Menya preslyeduyut mechti! --I am pursued by dreams:
Vezdye, vezdye peredo mnoi -- Everywhere, everywhere I look
Partes moi iskusitel rokovoi! -- I see my fatal tempter!
Vezdye, vezdye, on predo mnoyu! --Wherever I look, I see him!
(She writes quickly, but immediately tears up what she has written.)
Nyet, vsyo ne to! Nachnu snachala!… --No, that's all wrong! I'll begin again!?
(She reflects, then writes again.)
Akh, shto so mnoi, ya vsya goryu… --Ah, what’s the matter with me? I’m on fire!
Ne znayu, kak nachat! --I don’t know how to begin…
(She writes. She stops and reads through what she has written.)
“Ya k vam pishu… chevo zhe bole? “ --I write to you—what else can I say?
Shto ya mogu yeshcho skazat’? --What more can I explain?
Tepyer ya znayu, v vashei vole --I know you have the power
Menya prezryenyem nakazat’! --to punish me with your scorn.
No vi, k moyei neschastnoi dole --But you will not desert me
Khot’ kaplyu zhalosti khranya, --and you will find a little pity
Vi ne ostavite menya. --for me in my unhappiness!
Snachala ya molchat’ khotyela; --At first I wanted to remain silent.
Povyerte, moyevo stida --Believe me: my shame
Vi ne uznali b nikogda, --would have remained unknown to you forever,
Nikogda!” --forever!”
O da, klyalas’ ya sokhranit’ v dushe --Oh yes, I had sworn to keep my ardent passion
Priznanye v strasti pilkoi i bezumnoi! --a secret locked within my heart.
Uvi! Ne v silakh ya vladyet’ svoyei dushoi! --But I can no longer subdue my heart!
Pust budet to, shto bit dolzhno so mnoi! --Let fate take its course,
Yemu priznayus ya! Smelyei! On vsyo uznayet! --I’ll confess to him! Courage! Let him know everything!
“Zachem, zachem vi posetili nas? --“Why, oh why did you visit us?
V glushi zabitovo selyenya -- In this remote country district
Ya b nikogda ne znala vas, --I should never have met you,
Ne znala b gorkovo muchenya. --I’d never have known these heartaches.
Dushi neopitnoi volnyenya --Time would have soothed the emotions
Smiriv so el vryemenem (kak znat’?) --of the guileless heart and (who knows)
Po syerdtsu ya nashla bi druga, --I might have met someone to my liking,
Bila bi vyernaya supruga --have become a faithful wife
I dobrodyetel’naya mat’…” --and virtuous mother…”
(She sinks into meditation. Suddenly she recovers.)
Drugoi! Nyet, nikomu na svyete --Another!—No, I could not give my
Ne otdola bi syerdtsa ya! --heart to anyone else!
To v vishnem suzhdeno sovyete, --This has been decreed from above,
to volya nyeba: ya tvoya! --Heaven has willed it: I am yours!
Vsya zhizn’ moya bila zalagom --My whole life has been pledged
Svidan’ya vyernovo s toboi; --to this true meeting with you!
Ya znayu, ti mnye poslan bogom --I know that God has sent you to me,
Do groba ti khranitel’ moi! --you are my guardian ’til the grave!
Ti v snovidyen’yakh mnye yavlyalsa, --I saw you in my dreams,
Nezrimi, ti uzh bil mnye mil, --and yet unknown, I loved you!
Tvoi chudni vzglyad menya tomil, --I pined for your wonderful glance!
V dushe tvoi golos razdavalsa. --My soul has listened to your voice
Davno… Nyet eto bil ne son! --for years… No, this was no dream!
Ti chut’ voshol, ya vmig uznala, --The moment you entered, I knew you.
Vsya obomlyela, zapilala, --I swooned, I took fire,
I v mislyakh molvila: vot on! --and I said to myself: It is he!
Vot on! --It is he!
Ne pravda l’, ya tebya slikhala: --Was it not your voice that I heard
Ti govoril so mnoi v tishi, --when you spoke to me in the silence,
Kogda ya byednim pomogala, --when I helped the poor,
Ili molitvoi uslazhdala --or soothed my soul
Tosku dushi? --with prayers?
I v eto samoye mgnovenye --And at this moment,
Ne ti li, miloye vidyenye --was it not the dear vision of you
V prozrachnoi temnotye melknul, --that flashed through the transparent gloom,
Priniknuv tikho k izgolovyu --quietly nestling up to my bedside,
Ne ti l’, s otradoi i y lyubovyu --and with love and happiness
Slova nadyezhdi mnye shepnul? --whispered words of hope to me?
(She approaches the table and again sits down to write. She stops writing and muses thus.)
“Kto ti, moi angel li khranitel’ --“Who are you, my guardian angel
Ili kovarni iskusitel? --or an evil tempter?
Moyi somnyenya razreshi. --Disperse my doubts.
Bit mozhet, eto vsyo pustoye, --Perhaps this is all a vain dream,
Obman neopitnoi dushi, --the deception of an innocent hear,
I suzhdeno sovsyem inoye?” --and mine is to be a different fate?”
(Again she rises and walks about, musing.)
No tak i bit’! Sudbu moyu --Then so be it! My fate
Otnine ya tebye vruchayu, --I confide into your hands,
Pered toboyu slyozi lyu, --and in tears before you
Tvoyei zashchiti umolyayu, --I plead for your protection,
Umolyayu! I beg you for it!
Voobrazi: ya zdyes odna! --Imagine: I am alone here!
Nikto menya ne ponimayet! --No one understands me!
Rassudok moi iznemogayet, --I’m too exhausted to think,
I molcha gibnut’ ya dolzhna! --and I must perish in silence!
Ya zhdu tebya, --I wait for you,
Ya zhdu tebya! Yedinim slovom --I wait for you! With one word
Nadyezhdi serdtsa ozhivi, --you can revive my hopes,
Il’ son tyazholi perervi, --or shatter this dream
Uvi, zasluzhennim ukorom! --with well-merited scorn!
(Suddenly she goes to the table and quickly finishes the letter.)
Konchayu! Strashno perechest’, --I must end…I dare not read it through…
Stidom i strakhom zamirayu, --I could die for shame and fear…
No mnye porukoi chest’ evo, --but your honor is my safeguard,
I smyelo yei sebya vverayu! --and fearlessly I put my trust in it